lose, Witottetttl
@ssle , ,, ., Eowiel

Illinois National Guard is
recalled from Tennessee this
in order to preserve order
he Armour Campus. This was
need by President Roosevelt
esponse to an appeal made by
I Groutt in behalf of the fresh-

seems that last week while
ems all over the campus were
efully slumbering, the fresh.
ere suddenly beset by an
moss group of sophomores,
s, and seniors, seven feet
mi wearing horns, hooves,
ails. These were not as you
list; "think the ordinary garden
y of upperclassmen, but
equipped with flame throw-
mi Garanci automatic rifles.
sick succession, police oml
pertmeots were called, but
noble to subdue the irate
s. Shortly after this a (lele
tom the McCormick works
f the BIO stopped by in or.
learn the latest tactics of
SS loience.
mess fell on the campus,
h" bottle continued. By this;
be fresh had somewhere en-
the ski of several groups of
s, and it looked as if tlte bat.
fight well rage till midnight,
clenly, where all had felled,
mutt decided to take a hand
it save the lives of the hapless
on. She enlisterl the aid of
y: “Muscles” Welssman amt
or they proceeded to the
floor of Main, Here, each
/ ’a trusty water gun, and
1:»; carefully, proceedin to lay
o Barrage over the battle»
Vithin two~filtha of a seeorlcl,
eel by one of the Phys: s (to
Ant stop watches, the riot
eon queued,

{Tlt'cutt then immediately
Washington, but it seems
r fellow is dead. She (list
go to contact a certain Mrs,
Yelt, who promised to resell
.G. to protect the situation
._.0__
ngton D.C., Mar. 31~~Presl
oosevelt announced tonight
he, has appointed l’vlrs. Anna
and Mr. Sonny ‘Weissman
‘Dosition of labor concilia-
l‘ley will be put on duty to
ettle the McCormick strike.
tit {tossevelt said, “I level
yone who can put down a
asily as Mrs Orcutt and
lesmn dici at ll'l‘ should
than qualified to l'lancile
star Sluggers."

@olwlar (‘2‘)

 

 
 
  
  
   
   
      
      
    
    
     
   
      
    
   
 
   
       
     
   
    
    
   
  
    
 
   
    
     
 
  
 
 
  
    
   
   
 
   
    
 
  
   
 
  
  
  
  
 
   
   
 
    
 
   
    
  
   
    
   
  
 
 
   
 
 
 
 

‘11 193.10; Jams mm
meme am Sim m not;
mum Kwaml JO} stodno
“1t Jello .xaneq mod one
it go monoq am ug amide
ward attainment? .xapmod
U; aspaaocl fiumeq {mm SLlEé
sew“! em tot! [inmates mot;
tux ope Eumealq exoteq mam
fie pong auo ope $314133
{is pill? fiumamoqs memo
usAo 33.12315) egg
(5213:1211 oxemueqom
)f .tomtis passes? Hem
, :ssusulamml
{not 0.11111 tn uoodseel 3/,
{exoguxadmnd Beans {7
guruegaotzs dno y,
3mm qognso due 9,
.833 soup 1
stated gamed (loo 2/,
1t Elam: am ‘00? due I
:Sutstpeafs’ul
,metopeomsdg so; odtoo'g

 
 
  

hall of them can”: write.”

 

 

Er. Livingstone L Premtmo lecturing; \‘t’ifi‘l the aid of a shapely E51 -

Mme girl, on Polar curves.

 

 

     

Acting on purely humanitarian
principles, the board of trustees
announces the purchase of the
Rial?» Theatre. This theatre, for-
merly featuring both movies and
burlesque, will now cater strictly
to the esthetlc sense of the
{a rmour stmlentsuin other words,
tile movie projectors are now for
sale.

No longer will the 'l‘tszshawlts
“neve- to skull: through alloys and
heeltweys, filo rides on trucltssnd
peer furlively about for news
pliotogs as lie liesistantly app
roaches the ticket booth, As soon
as final arrangements are movie
bu s will leave the Student Uniolt
e ery hour on the hour and will
moeeeti directly to the theatre.

 
 

No longer will the 'l‘ecltawil
new to luring his own lunch for
let": menu; will be served by

   

hematite] shortness and every seat

:ttelettttte

   
 

  

will be equipped with its own
individual beer spigot.

A new personnel will take over
the operation of the theatre and
the following apnoimments have
been announced: Doc Davey, Dir-
ector of the Chorus; script writers,
Profs. Davis and Carpenter; cost-
ume man, Prof I‘lliberseimer (who
believes in bare necessities); out
limit lmrlrer, Sonny Weissman;
cioorman, Doc Poulter; bouncer,
Prof. Stevens; make—up, Sammy
Bibi): Chapman, Mother Droutt;
chief janitor, Drooling Dam the
Diesel Mam, floosoh; master-0t-
eeremoniee, Mike Sadowsky; and
last out set least, the chorus will
be onrielleil with local talent, Miss
Melvin amt lilies Harris.

list the best news of all is that
sill Teoiztlwlts will he admitted by
m settling their student activity
No more pinching pennies

 

 

s

Stutlia physicians in Foundw
time novsrum rerum ponentur in
duo‘ous portions. Investigationes
electriel, radionis, soul, at vibra»
tionis, manlpmlatur ab eloctrico
parte, dum nova res luce, visions
at general} physica venlt in parte
lucis, ,

Doctor George Zeigler caput
est. Membra partis lueis lnclut‘lunt
Howard Botz, Doctor Ernest Lon»
don, Doctoz Challacombe, Frank
'l‘rimble, Lloyd Lewis, Ralph Eris
man, of; Gardner Johnson. Opus

,llorum homimlm est latus quam

spectrum, et includit spectandum
nova res involventa visiones, il~
luminanclum X-rays, X-ray diffrac-
tionem, spectrographium, et om-
nes applicationes photographii, ot
photographii applicationls.

Quamvls illuminadum measur—
ata fient in sealficia experiment‘ali,
laboratoria usualio luois omnia. lo-
calltur in aedlficia novarum re-
rum, in piano tertio.

Maximum est X-ray laboratori-
um, quotl habet duet instruments
dillraetlonls ad determinantlum
structum crystals at orientationis
X~ray, ille utitur et observationi
visuali cum flourescenti penetra-
tionls est examen celer labor-an—
rlorum lnteriorum in machinis par-
vis et metris sine opera vastancli

Ad leboratorium K—ray est cam-
era nlger photographii, Imus ex
optimis classls‘ ejus. Adjungens
hoe est laboratorium spectrogra-
pliium, commons speetrogmphium
notum aedifioatum a Doctor Pout
tor, Director Sclentiae Foundati-
onis novarum return. Novum in
camera hujus est spectrophoto-
metrum preelslonls, unum ex pau-
cls tali‘ous instmmentls in parte
nae lerrae. Videos at examinons

 

comers adjungit laboratorlum
spectrographli.
lilwmwwwmmmm Ilia

Swill? TEASE
flno Performance Only
EBEE Gypsy Kamila: KNEE
film; in flaring Halt-Hoisting
Disloes. filseo Page Eig‘lit.

l? MW

 

 

wtli

  

lilo lilies titty til,
{Emitters Noodles logo,

     

HANES 1M PAPIERKQRB
(lestern ist etwas schreclcliollee

passiert. Dem Hams Apfelblau:ist ,

van seiner Cirossmutter ans tier

lle‘oen Heilxlat size 79131de Butter
goschiokt women. Die Butter War _.
aber (lurch em memes chemisehe‘s
Verfalirem tier Abwaossem, enlarge" j‘
wonnen, und die Hans das Iliolttf
wusste, so strict-h er almugsloscdie'

 

Butter auf sein Fruehstuecksbrot,

Namerllch war Hons niclit amt

(lie Deutsche Nahrung gewoolmt,

 

mud or hatte sofort schroclcliche
Bauchschmerzen. Er konnte sich
nicht mehr gterade halite-n, und um
ihm zu hell’on mien ltrumm ml min
ten, Stockton lhn seine Klassen~
kameraden :ln eluen Poplar-kerb,
den sle damn mit fraudigem In-
dianergeheul Herrn Professor Dr.
Schwarzbart presentlerten.

Das graessllohe an cler ganzen
Sache lst, class die Bengels Hans
damn nicht Wleder rauskriegen
ltonnten. Und wenn er nicht gos-
tors hen lot, so steckt er lieute
nooh drin.

 

STUDENTS
or" MEWHS Ctilllmmlll
(to West Where You Get The
Besth'nd The Most For Your
Howey
SEELEY CAFETERIA
29% W. Madison 8t.
'll‘ry lilo final Convince Yourselt

 

 

 

tEiWWifillt’ lltfiflwlfi
NEE; W'Etfim lttlitil

’l‘iie swirling clouds parted be
fore my eyes and “She” appeared.
Quickly my eyes met in the mini
tile, anti mattered to one another:

“Do you believe what you see?

“Sure‘ cried the other, “’l‘hat’s
Miss {tipsy Rose Lee.” And so it
was. gluiekly picking myself up
from the floor 1 began the inter-
view will: a snappy question.

“Nice show, isn’t it?”

“Not lusti’, Miss Lee replied, “for
the Shiifle it’s in. But 3 am more
interested in the finer things in
life. Tell me, is it true what they
say about slide-miles? Do engineer-
ing students really multiply and
divide without using paper and
pencil?“

“Yes,” l stuttered, “they are too
poor to buy paper, and besides
Sud—
denly Miss Lee looked around and
smiled.

“is some one playing “The Bowl-
ers” on the drums?”

“No,” i came back, “That’s just

’ my knees and my teeth playing a

duet! But, Miss Lee, please tell
me about your early life.”
“Surely. I was born at an early
age, and was very shy. In fact,
it was several months before I
would say anything. My early life
was spent in a roof-covered cott-
age where I still spend all of my
spare time. The address is m“
Eel Note: At this point, the ef-
fects of the dope wore off. If
someone has a supply of the weed
handy, please bring it to the news
office, as we are anxious to con
tinue the dream 'md '

   

 

   

find 0 t the

tllwmeM—«w—m—~ ts

Attention: There will he an
important meeting of the Ar~
mom Anarchists Association
at midnight Wednesday. Bring
all bombs for the blowing up
of ltleelllnery Hall, Soapboxes
will be ‘vllslributori to all those
going to Lewis to recruit new
members.

at e a:

Nsvel Applicants: Begin-
ning tomorrow crutches, vita—
min pills and arch supporters
will be (listrlbuted in the
homage.

at 24:

Alumni: The class of ’98 is
taking up a collection to bail
out its president, Herkimer
Cmtltinger. Please save all
your relief checks and: street
car tokens as this is a very
worthy cause. Mr. George S.
Allison hoe very kindly offer»
ed to act as collector of the
fund.

as e e

Bundlsts: Have you received
your monthly quota of propa’
gentle? If not, see Herr Gide
bel at once. Free lessons now
available in “Effective 8abo~
tags,”

v1: ’1! 5%

This paper will give a free
date book to the first 230 boys
sending in six Crunchy‘Wun»
chy box tops and al,alllboftua
toupee. This book is indispen-
Blondes, brunettes, reel-heads,
tall, short, big, little—«guano
teed satisfaction. Ask the man
who owns one. Get your laoolt
new!

lltétlfifillilfiltgg tilttltt gwfllfifi
DAMIEN and relentless sewers

Fountain Service, Lunch,
Homemade Ice Creammll‘ouble-Rich
Fresh Fruit Flavom At All Times

 

fiéltetfitti‘i‘fl

fittesltsltttsol
gtlflfiltlligfi

gfi‘ig liflflt‘yl $1525? will? Efigfitll

 

 

 
 

 

 

@reeewoeds illoolt gettote
W953 Elf/ii, Mfitffilififii‘sfi
seems M53

 

“0n? Zfith Year”
lilo. lite Lewis, ‘litlstit ts lit

ELEMEE till?
Eleowitetgg

 

  
    
  
 
    
    
   
  
   
  
  
  
   
    
  
   
    
   
   
 
  
   
  
   
   

 

  
  

 

  
        
     
 
 
 

 

 

 

Jeremfiw.-. . ..