HANNNAH LARSON works way too hard on th' pape ou besta reclate so | “News I Tuesday April 2012 Surgeon General recalls Obama campaign paraphernalia By Christ Roberts COPY GOD According to studies conducted by numerous universities and research institutesi hope a popular mental sensation widely crede ited for providing peaceeofemind and giving people the strength to overcome hardshipi has been foundto be clinicallyidenticaltoaplacebo One study conducted at lllinois In stitute of Technology (HT) by the university’s political science department incorporated data from case studies of unemployment and qualitative research of public confidence in national institutions to demonstrate the inefr fectiyeness of hope particularly highlighting the its inability to reduce the national deficit Researchers concluded that the feeling of assurance for a positive outcome could potentially lead those affected to nee glect treatment In most subjects hope was found to have a illusory effectisublects left “feeling” better despite suffering preyious symptoms and not seeking proper treatment Prompted by these findings as well as strong pressure from congressional Repube licansi the United States Surgeon General has ordered that all Barack Obama presidential campaign posters containing references to or tracesamountsofhopeberecalledimmediately TechNews spoke with a repre sentatiye of the Office of the Surgeon Gen eral about the recall decision “While our office appreciates the public’s Widespread excitement and support for Obama’s mes sage of hope and change we cannot in good conscience continue to promote such an unproven medication for the nation’s ills” The representative assured Tech News that campaign materials referring to change will not be recalled “Howeveri such materials will be inspected to ensure that hopeful content is below federal limits” Numerous Tea Party protests have been scheduled nationwide to cone demn hope as radically liberal and contrary to traditional American Values One proe tester declaredi quoting the Declarae tion of Independence “Lifer Libertyi and the pursuit of happiness' Do you see “hope” there7 Because 1 sure don’t'” Despite some calls for Obama to either resign or be impeached for promoting the use of such an alterna tive treatment for both foreign and do mestic problems the American pub lic remains largely supportive of the president’s emotionebased policies TechNewspoliticalanalystshaye concluded that the public’s continued sup port for hope is based less on confidence that Obama will improve their lot and more on opposition to how Republicans have responded to the recall most notably being Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum changing his campaign slogn from “Bighting to make Amerir ca America again” to “Santorum 2012 Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here” insPenvlesLute 33m Well all might as well grab some soup on the way to hell New disease sweeping across college campuses By Ryan Heinz AS OPINIONATED AS EVER Bike messenger bags are a great and very convenient my to carry all of your crap They’re rugged durable and they don’t fall off when you ride These bags were originally designed to be functional and highly practical but they have evolved to become a fashion statement as well Now people who have never ace tually ridden a bike are buying them to carrying around their Macbook pros and DSLR cameras These people these scume bags are a blight to society and a men ace to enlightened culture eyerywhere Worse than those scumBags who don’t have a bike but have a messenger bag are the thoughtless multitudes of those who ride fixies and old Schwinns that they found in their grandparents grages These are the samepeoplethatrollupthecuffontheirpantsi even when theyaren’t ridinga bike This same peculiar species of transplant hipster likes to flip through Pinterest in their free time and insists on drinking PER or Coconut Water For most of these people it is their first time in a large metropolitan area and in a desperate effort to fit in they cone form to what they perceive as the societal normsi but what are nothing more than the superficial projections of a select few Smoking American Spirits or worse rolle ing your own isn’t cool and is a waste of your time and money If you think LPs sound better than high quality digital aue dioi and you suddenly decide that free trade Coffee tastes better than the Cheap stuffi you’ve probably already succumbed to Fatally Urban Conformity Kamphuisis Fear not howeveri there is a known and highly effective antidote employ/7 ment So get a haircut brush your teeth and get some clothes that actually fill and go out there and start contributing to so ciety instead of being a pimple on its ass ASB? More like ASEmbezzlers! Our star reporter, Utsav Gandhi, gives TechNews the inside scoop By Utsav Gandhi BlGeMANeoNeCAMPUS EDITOR I remember giving you this advice last year tooiwhen Alternatiye Spring Break declares applications open for the annual tripi don’t think twice Apply Following last year’s unforgettableextravaganzainCancuniMextlcoi thisyear’s participants clamored for a similarly sunny tropical paradise Bundraising endeave ors included soliciting unsuspecting students staff and families to go as far out as publicly pie their friends in order to raise money This yeari in facti the trip had a new dimension to itiASB was a recognized student orgi which meant extra funding from the SAP Over the course ofthe yeari team meetings were held bee hind highly secretiye closed doors and instead ofserious fundraisingcoordination all that the team needed to focus on was playing icebreake ers to encourage some team bonding before the trip One could almost say that in our in herent sense ofguiltefree pleasure the buildup to the trip was almost as much fun as the trip Or maybe not The trip turned out to be the ‘stuff dreams are made of’ Valdoe sta7 That’s like the middle of nowhere for people used to the bustle of chicago No this year’s destination as can be seen in the widely smiling faces in the accompanying picture was the spring break party capital Miami It is positively impossible to quane tify the amount of steam let off (literally) by the oyerworked architects and engineer ing students during the course of the week The highlight ofthe trip had to be the three nights the group spent on the chartered boats Butler servicesi scuba diving in artificial reefs nocturnal tarpon fishing (a onceeineae lifetime experience highly recommended for those who are fortunate enough to VisitMiamli SAF funded or not) midnight kayaking snore keling in the Biscayne Bay swimming with dolphins at the Miami Seaquariumi renting personal waye runners and taking windsurfe ing lessons None ofthese will be found on the photo albums we have uploaded on Bacebook simply because what happens in Miami stays in Miami (until you read this) We had fun on the land too The nearby Oleta State Park had over six miles of singletrack trails that have been developed exclusively for mountain bikes and everyonei including staffi had great fun with this active ity The ‘Ruff N Tuff’ Paintball Facility had two outdoor fields under a canopy of pine trees The forestelike fields gave us an adrenae line rush as we moved from bunker to bunker through the thick brush Speaking of adrenae line rush the more adventurous members of our contingent also tried tandem parachute lumps oyer Miami Beach We took out time to Visit one of the top indoor rock climbing gyms in the country one filled with extreme obstacles spread across 14iooo square feet Personally though one activity mate tered more than all ofthe aboye put together We got to spend an entire day at the Everglades National Park but this was more than Just the runeofetheemill ‘sit calmly on a boat with binoculars and let the tour guides keep talke ing’ kind ofa trip We got to tryihold your breathizip lining oyer alligtoreinfested mters‘ If there was ever any daredeyil hide den inside any of us that’s when it manir fested A Spanish tourist compared it to the famous bull fighting sport I thought it ms much more than that Hundreds of feet in the airi Zip lining for the first timer 8001b 13efeet long alligtors swimming below As I looked down all I could do at that moment was to thank the SAP Andi essentially all of you ”it" {'0 smuenps enjoying an SAP/illleuyilnueu mp to Miami!