OPMHON

Left Shark 351:9"le still

relevant?"

 

CAMPUS

2015-3016 tuition decreases
announced!

\x

Student newspaper of I

SPORTS

liT‘s DiyiSion ill men's basketball
team advances ZD NCAA Final
' Pour,

hai/ , — _“— __,V__‘_/t’-
TT Technical Institute since 1928

TUESDAY.
MARCH 31.
2015

Volume 181 1 issue 8
technewsiit.com

APRIL FOOLS' 1
OPINION 2-3

SGA 4
CAMPUS 5-6

AETE 7

SPORTS '17

Campus Safety: Bears and You

Timothy Ayodele
YA' BOY AT TECHNEWS

Here at IIT, we pride ourselves on
campus safety. With'a first class public safety
team, and citizens of Bronzeville devoted to
not mugging you and stealing your bike, IIT
has benefited from years of peace and safety.
Recently however, campus has suffered from a
severe spike in the number of city bears (yes,
bears) that have been terrorizing students. So
here at TechNewsrwe made it our personal re-
sponsibility to make a guide to help you if you
ever come into contact with a city bear.

1. Don’t be a jerk

Scientists have recently discovered
that city bears are 78% more likely to maul
someone who acts like Iustin Bieber. Actions
thatare correlated with Bieberistic behavior
includes, but is not limited to, cutting in line,
lying on a survey, stealing from children, and
setting off the fire alarm in MSV. Though it
may seem elementary to some, walking around
like you own the place can be the difference be-
tween a city bear stealing your wallet, and get-
ting your intestines ripped out.

2. Walk fast _ -

If there’s one thing city bears hate
the most, it’s a cluster of people walking slowly
down the sidewalk. To counter this hatred,
they often partake in their favorite hobby,
tearing through public mobs with their bare
hands. Be an informed student; not a statistic.

3. Take a Shower

City bears can smell fear. You know
what else they can smell? Fish, which is exactly
what you probably smelled like last Friday in
class. Here at TechNews, we recommend Dove

soap or Old Spice body spray, but before we
can give a recommendation, one has to truly
appreciate the benefits of taking a bath. Not
only you no longer anger your classmates by

x

not smelling like week old Chinese food, but as
a bonus you get to keep your. liver.
‘ 4. Know what you want at 7-Eleven
City bears in particular are very ac-
tive species, because of this, they become in-

creasingly frustrated if they wait any more than
five minutes. This week alone, multiple reports
told of at least six separate instances of city
bear genocide resulting from 3:00 am. drunk

rr

people in 7-Eleven. This isn’t even necessarily
the bears’ fault, as all those attacks could have
been easily prevented if people had just walked
into 7-Eleven for a reason. Seriously, if you
don’t want coffee, a drink or a snack, you prob-

ably don’t need to be in 7-Eleven at all. Oh, and
speaking of drunk people. . .

5. Getting Drunk at the Bog

Yes, we know the Bog serves alcohol,
but it’s also possible to drink without getting
hammered. This is especially important to re-
member this when at our school hangout, The
Bog, because not only is being drunk at the
Bog distasteful, it makes you the perfect pre-
crushed bowling ball for city bears.

6. Park like you know how to drive.

Don’t lie, anyone on campus with a
car can confess to at least one instance where
they parked like a total jerk. Whether you have
used two spaces or parked sideways, parking
incompetently has been observed to increas—
ingly aggravate passing city bears. In fact, ever
since the mayor banned bear—football, city
bears have developed a new hobby of ripping
people out of their terribly parked cars and
throwing them into the sun. These are very

'strong bears.

7. Have an original idea

Believe it or not, city bears are just as
social as they are violent. Nothing a city bear
loves more than a good conversation: Beware
though, though having a city bear as a friend
can be an exhilarating experience, nobody
likes a guy who steals someone’s joke or doesn’t
cite an opinion, and city bears have a strict “no '
arms rule” for copycats.

Follow these simple guidelines, and
you can reduce your chances of a city hear at-
tack by at least 60%. If you follow these rules
and still get your kidneys eaten, it was probably
the top ramen. I heard it makes you delicious.

Photo by Martin Abegglen