APRHL FOQL APR”. FQOL EDITEON EMIWON Vol. XXL No. 7_ Armour Institute of Technology, Chicago, Illinois Tuesday, March 29, 1933 Other Gang Members Help Voters Along Junior Marshals for the 1938 Junior Week were elected in a series of departmental elections. The men elected are: Berlone Lickburg, chem- ical; Jacquemont Janicek, mechani~ cal; Rhyndacenus Dixon, fire pro— tect; and Theotocopol Collier, civil; Ricmenschneider Bush, electrical; and Wolfram Wagner, architect. A leader for the hand will be selected from one of the above things. The toughest boys in each depart— ment guarded the doors to see that their “man" was elected. A man named Anderson in the electrical dc. partmcnt would not vote for Bush, so was dropped out the third floor window of machinery hall. Terrible Anderson Anderson has been a member since he stole a nipple from the corner store, then being three years old, and lately had been on the “cuts” with the bunch because of his atten- tions toward the fibercd~haired dam- sel known as “Blondie.” Lickburg, popular member of the gang is known to most of us as the “inside” man. He has had a great deal of experience with the different kinds of “soups” and high explosives used by the gang. He possesses a reputation good enough to he slapped behind the bars for life if ever caught. He is an active member of the S.B.R.S. (Safe Blowers Research So- ciety) and has done extensive work in speeding the time required for the jobs. 7He was a member of the sec~ and team of the baseball squad while serving a short stretch up the river. Janicck swung into office with use of his monkey wrench, He is well known for his ability of keeping the gang in trim. His job is to run up to the cops and holler, BOO! The gang then runs after the cop who usually leads the race. Janicek is a new member of the gang joining up with the boys one night at the Spill- over Cafe. Three Your Record Dixon, the gasoline spillcr of the band is well known for his ability to set garages on fire and manage to outrun the police. For three years he has added to his record one of the worst in the city. To date, he has three hundred insurance agencies on his trail with more taking up the scent. One night when picked up as a suspicious character he blew off the handle like he used to back in the freshmen days. Some thought he was going to crack, but he man~ aged to tell the cops a few good jokes and get out. a dander MW Fifty Schmicrc Get Sleeping Sickness at A.l.Ch.E. Meeting Amid the boos and kisses which were the only signs of life at the meeting, Chairman W. R. Marshall deftly dodged a well aimed misslc last Friday as he called to a semblance of order the group of eccentrics who call themselves the student branch of the A.I.Ch.E. The con 1"! ‘I '! ? '.’ crowd, however, was quickly lulled to peaceful slumber as Dr. Clarence W. Muchl Beater, chief coroner's toxicologist of Cook County and Armour alumnus, reluctantly deliv- ered his uninteresting lecture. His subject was “Solvency of Industrial Toxins.” According to Dr. Muehl Beater, toxins are more toxic than anything and may be divided into two classes, the first and the second. It was em- phasized that continued bathing in the complex modern solvents which are being developed may have un- locked for results. “Not all of these are harmful, however,” continued the speaker as by way if illustration he seized a cloudy bottle from his brief case and poured it on his hand. When Dr. Muchl Beeter was revived, he continued his illustrations of tox- icity as he produced a flask of brown liquid from his hip pocket and poured the gurgling contents down his threat. The lecture was immed— iately enlivened and when the bell rang at the close of the hour each student had tested the toxicity of one of Dr. Much] Bectcr‘s liquids and Ryant was heard insisting 1n unre- strained tones that that was not the way to prepare ethylene chloride. The high point of the meeting was reached when professor Freud rush- ed madly into the room, knocking over all of the bottles, and turned the unruly crowd out of his class: room. Motorists Jollopies; Escalating Highways “The nut that holds the wheel still causes the most jollopy entangle- ments and produces the majority of fresh obituary copy despite the mad slipstick sliders’ feeble attempts at improving those Concy Island straightaways.” Such was a crack made by Professors l. B. Foo and U. R. Too, (alias Spears and Stem ens), who, with the aid of a lead pipe, crashed the WCFL scientific bedtime story last Saturday. This was the third of the Civil Depart— ment’s anti-insomnia drives. Collier, just joined last week after watching the slick operations of the group, oifered his services. He is a member of the W.S.E. (We Slug (Continued on page four) Ho'rscu Thieffituing lilo-usury into Joif Paul famous track star was hailed into the State Street police court yesterday. Caught under suspicious circumstances lead» ing a horse across State and Madi- son, he was charged with horse-steal- ing. He was placed under $1.98 bond and remanded to the grand jury. When interviewed, Ewing stoutly maintained he only had the best in- terest of the track team at heart. In a private interview to the embattled reporters Ewing stated: “The two mile event at Armour has long been a failure with such deadbeats as Faust and Finnegan running. With this horse and me on the horse, we could win that race in a walk, or maybe a run. Only one thing puzzles me, how are they going to divert enough funds from the A.T.S.A. graft to feed the nag.” It is rumored that Lorenzen of the juice department is the brains be- hind the gang. He pushes buttons from his hideout, thereby issuing or- ders to his henchmen. i Ewing, Armour’s It was hinted that 10 out of every 9 accidents occur on a straight curve, because straight curves are so rec- tangular that the diffraction of headlight beams confuses the back— seat drivers. Also, when the sleet becomes coated with highways, the fatalities are fewer because, well, be— cause people stay home those days. One of the most important phases of road plastering is the designing of curves resembling a horizontal projection of that much publicized Mac—Westian silhouette. Eagle Eye Schricber was present to mix up the program as usual. Beginning the program with a beautiful flow of perfect slang, he introduced the auto drivers. “Youse guys shoulda listen to us, we had a great time.” Modern speeds demand uplifting of the curves depending on the radius of curvature. Rolling and steep grades produce hazards at night (while low grades produce hazards at home). Widening of main lines has created much congestion due to attraction of traffic from narrower roads. Engineers now know it is better to develop several good lines, (W00~W00l). As a means of in— creasing trafiic speed and reducing highway friction, future cowpaths will be-coated with that frictionless land we have seen glistenly so bril— liantly on T. Wilson Ycakle’s slick toupc. Bang! l’m Almost Dead but it Won’t—BANG! l’m Dead Mort (to his friends) Lubcr and E. J. (to everybody else) Pleva were found walking the streets in a daze last Saturday morning. Asked for the reason, Luhcr was bent on in- sisting that for the first time, think- ing it was a sports story magazine, he looked in a college algebra book. This meaningless stuff which he has been so aptly dodging for the past four years had suddenly gotten the better of him. Herctofor, his school daze had been one happy round of reading old joke books and putting them into what he called a joke col— umn. , Ah, but poor E. 3., his reason was entirely different, it was an affair of the heart. After deliberately get- ting sick to see Miss De Lovely, a nurse, at the Mercy Hospital, think- ing of her by day, thinking of her by night, letting his school work (‘1) slide when he finally raised enough courage to spend the nickel to call her up, the following conversation took place. E. J.———“This is E. J.” Nursem—“Who?” E. J.-—-A“The guy that was put in the morgue by accident, remember e?” E3 Nurse—“0, the dizzy looking goof with the fuzzy chin hiding behind a pair of cheaters.” E. J.~“Dat’s me.” Nurse—“Well! Well! you are alive after all. I often wondered. (Bang, bang)” , The first bang is the phone, the second hang is E. J. spreading his torso over the floor. After four days under observation the dizzy droops still don’t know which way is up. No Freshman Dance, Leave Swipes Cash from Treasury Stark tradgcdy struck Armour last week when H. N. Leave, freshman social chairman, abscoudcd with the class funds. Because of this the freshman dance has been postponed indefinitely. The Lake Shore Athletic Club, and Charlie Straight are suing the freshman class for breach of con- tract. According to reports, school treasurer, G. Sinclair Allison will be forced to pawn his Packard to par- tially meet suit. All class officers, and members of the social committee are being held because it is intimated that the money is going to be used to buy up all green hats so that the class of ’42 will be unprotected. According to latest police reports, Leave was last seen at Monties Bar drinking a straight root beer for a bracer. Latest bulletin from the dean’s office states that classes will not be resumed until the culprit is apprehended. Mr. Goctz, Retreat Whom Cruel Words Acting upon Prof. (G. Man) Goctz's open letter, a student honor commission has been formed whose distasteful duty it shall be to chas- tizc them guys as takes grinders at other guys’ papers which same prac— tice has been termed cribbing or, “Taking a look at another guy’s pit- paper." “Sure,” you may say, “So there's an honor commission. What of it. I never wander from the straight and narrow, and besides, the Prof. never seen me." Well look, that’s no attitude to take Prof. (Argus eye) (30th says right here, “ . . . it is pathetically easy to catch the offen- der . . ." But right away he proves himself to be only human; he doesn't know what to do with the sinner when the poor soul is caught. In point of fact the honor commis~ sion doesn’t know what to do about it either so it looks as though the matter is a teas up between blind- folds and your own black and scarred conscience. Alright, don’t get indignant. Everybody knows you’re the origin of the classes homework papers. Just be firm the next time someone strides up to you and says, “Lemme see the homework, I spent three hours on calc, four hours on physics and made up a few chem reports last night and try as I could ll couldn’t work in this class before having to catch the L down here.” Be firm, stick out your sturdy little chin and say, “No, every man should do his own his work.” In this manner you maintain the old integ- rity intact and succeed in being; the most thoroughly disliked chap in school. As for tho, shall we say collabora- tion, on quizcs, the spotless honor can take a terrific beating when the professor wanders out of the room on some vague mission of his own and leaves the question on the board and the answer on the arm of the shark's chair next. Wt preschooler-«Efforts Pluclgcd to CM Err Chi Epsilon, one of the numerous Honorary Civil fraternities at this institution, in a half-hearted, unwill» ing manner, is sorry to announcing the pledging of “Sophomore” Ronald Morison, and “Freshmen" Carl Rob and Benjamin Kurz. A scholarship was given to Francis Opila, sophomore, who “got the drop” of the other “sophs” and won out with high honors, even in this edition. Miss Nell Steal Receives Madam” Prize for Valiant Work in Library “Miss Steal, your bright smile and ‘ pleasant demeanor in the Armour-l Tech library were primary factors inl making you our choice,” said Hiram B. McSquirt today as be handed Miss Nell Steal the Hiram B. Mc- Squirt prize for meritorious re. search in library courtesy. Miss Alice Kneel, charming and capable assistant to Miss Steal, also drew praise from Mr. McSquirt for her very successful application of Miss Steal’s methods. Miss Steal’s tactful and courteous treatment of her student charges is nowhere in more evidence than in her method of quelling boisterous groups of “Her Boys.” Quietly but determinedly she trips down the aisle to their table. With the eleven est kind of a Mussolini frown (she really doesn’t mean it) and a low, modulated voice which can scarcely be heard in the Dynamo Lab, she informs them as to the quality of their character and forebears. If a student enters into the spirit of the thing and informs Miss Steal of the quality of her character and fore— bears, there ensues a lively debate much to the delight and edification of the other students. Let it be said here and now that Miss Steal has never lost one of these impromptu exchanges of witticisms, “Armour students graduate,” as- serts McSquirt, “gentlemen, with the accent on the gentle.” “Notice,” he continues, “how meekly they ap- proach the desk, how bashfully they present a notarized affidavit re- questing a book. Miss Steal is a wonderful woman. Her withering tirades, which she really doesn’t mean, are great for the students’ souls.” McSquirt brought out how con- ducive to study is that pleasant hum of conversation set up by Kncel and Steal as they exchange the tapics of the day behind their protective tiers of books. Although this is not generally known, a new building is to be en— dowed by Miss Steal. The building is to be called “The Steal Building." The money for this edifice has been donated by the student body through library fines. Miss Steal modestly disclaims credit for building up the huge endowment fund. Says she: “It is the dear boys who, through in» sisting on the twenty-five cents per hour fine, have made this possible.” fine You Leaky Tin Can Boiler Perfected After Years of Researchwl’oultcr The ever expanding Foundation has built a new boiler. nicinns, a large group of workmen tackled the ing happened. Coming the can. per cubic kilogram. Club. Armour Sponsors School of Love. crowded the doors. First in line fighting every minute for his positior was the gaunt, tense figure of E. K nett.” “I took an exemption test and am now going back to teach the P.G.‘s. The second day was a riot. placards reading: “Now that we have ‘phonc booths, how about hostesses?", huge cards said: “Get your Love‘s calculus here." Streets were littered with cast-off slide rules tables. out, and chorus girls mover] in. Tele— grams by the hundreds poured in from Chicago, N.U. and Purdue. Chi- cago U. is migrating north to take this exceptional course. ”Gosh, ain’t love grand?!" Romantic Two Reel Horse Motors Corporation, a in the assembly hall Friday morning. with many other exciting scenes. One scene will show the motor cars of three hundred years ago. auto, the main point stressed to prospective buyers, was the machine strap carried in the rear seat. place gears, tires and other parts when worn out. Another device was the fuel-saver which allowed the mo- torist to get the best mileage of any car on the market. The owners re- ported from one to two miles per pound of gasoline. According to Mr. Blow, the chief engineer of a competing firm, “the modern motor car has advanced so much it is now possible to maintain the some speed as a horse if the tires hold out.” Research After combing the country for tech- skilled impossible. Resurrectiug a tin can from the Ar— mour catering service, they began their task. Placing the test boiler in a wide open field, 2.47645 c.c. of water were poured into the opening. A figure swathcd in an asbestos suit bravely (lashed to risk his life, placed a lighted match beneath it, and ducked behind the concrete barrier. Waiting tenscly, for minutes noth— forward, with hesitation, the assembled scien- tists found the cause for the failure. All of the water had leaked out of Undauntcd, they started afresh. Sending to China for a five gallon kerosene can, experiments continued with new energy. This time shield- ing the power plant with two foot walls, a fire was started. "When ac- curate measurements were made and corrections made for vapor density, halitosis and flat feet, a new pres- sure record was found, 1.4653 ounces Any Armour man bringing new forms of cans for the experimental work will be award- ed a fellowship in the Tech Glee School of Educ Last week came the history male inc, announcement that Armour Tech had opened its long contemplated Long hours before registration, thousands oi’ engineers Osterberg, eyes smoldering with the flames of love, passion burning in every fibre. “Gosh,” quotes Ed, “a (I?) follow has to know how to pitch woo . when there’s a girl like Betty Bcn~ "3' Strolling amiahly along from the door came one G. Worcester with a diploma under his arm. “ch,” i'e‘ marked Gone to the harassed Juicer, Stu- dents paradcd up and down carrying flanmp Brawl Apr” E; Opera to Be Seen Friday Through the efforts of the General romantic movie of two rccls will be presented It will be the usual twwgun scene with the cowboys riding tractors In this This arrangement made it possible to re- sing blunting? jhoot drained at edit Night Cabbage-@112 Dinner to Be Served Tomorrow night will see Armour’s sons and daughters and their patcr’s scraping elbows and knocking knees at the second annual Dad’s night, the brawl to be held in the meditcr~ rancan cubbyholc of the Lake Shore Athletic Club. The birdsecd and vodka, to be followed by the follow- ers of the art of external combus— tion and nicotine diatallatiou, will give the Armour Pops a chance to gab at each other, exterminate the well known bovine, and also to meet those dear old pronoundcrs of the arts of engineering. The A.T.S.A. (which promises to have Vassur’s most radiant present) sponsors the affair. Opcelia Peach, famous wom- an engineer and alumnus of ’76, will give a speech. The evening will be divided into two parts, the beginning,r of the end, and the end of the beginning. The informal dinner will be followed by some very boring tulks, and then at the end of the middle the usual entertainment of card games and bull sessions will follow. Dad's Night The chief filibuster-er will be Rajah of Marquis John J. Schommcr, who will act as M. C., and perhaps entertain with some of his “jokes” and fairy tales. Dean Hoald, who will speak primarily to the fathers, and another speaker, Mr. Hilton, who was obtained by the A.T.S.A., will also be featured. An added at— traction will be G. T. Danforth, who will attempt to murder the ivories in a l’cw selections from Bah and 01:0— witch. Schriobcr is the Man Last year’s Daddy’s Night, the first, was a combination culinary at- tack and basketball game, held at the University of the Windy City, located on the Halfway. In the game, the ferocious Techuwks were mentally strangled and physically maltreated, but won a great moral victory. However, the 250 pappys present thoroughly enjoyed Last year’s wind propellers were A. P. Schreiber, the guy responsi- ble for Pater’s Night; C. W. Dunbar, then vice-president of the Armour Tech camp-fire girls, who acted as toastinaster, Coach Grant Stenger, Dean Heald, and Prof. P. C. Huntly. ‘ l u. G. Erickson Subs For Prindl’ ’s Swingers and log Drafting tables were thrown The Co~op Spring Informal will be nothing to brag about, says So- cial Chairman Bill Anthony. Mickie Prindl's orchestra, which was recent- ly featured at the Oak Forest in- firmarics‘ Big Apple swing it, will not be able to play as the boys in the band arc suffering from nervous breakdowns, after spending an ex- haustive night looking for the trum— pet player’s eyeballs after he bit high C above high C. As an emer— gency measure the ever alert social committee composed of B. Anthony, J. Ahlstromer, E, Mock and K. Ol« sen, obtained the services of the Ar- mour Musical Clubs. “Cub Galloway” Erickson, on the spur of the moment, rustled the boys and came up with a special arrangement of Chopin's Funeral March for the grand entree. The Ninth Annual Indoor Relish skating meet was held in the Grand Ballroom of the Gracmere Hotel and the floor resembles a plowed field. Chairman Anthony suggests to those unfortunate few who purchased. their bids for $1.50 cash. wear crepe soled shoes as a prevention against slivers. Oxygen tanks are also rec- ommended as standard equipment as the spacious ballroom, which rescin» blcs a clothescloset, is not well ven- tilated. The world‘s record for the mile is expected to be beaten by the tired dancers as they make a bee l line for the lone chair in the lounge-