sumac . Tuesday, April 6, l937 ARMOUR TECH NEWS Page Three Sidelines- (Continued from page mic) revenue that the government will collect in the fiscal year of 1936. My bill would require all teachcis to de— vote a special session in which the students were taught to smoke." If this bill goes through, imagine father giving Junior cigarrettc money every morning before the child leaves for kindergarten; The Senator adds, “The slogan of my drive will be, “Smoke To-back-o dxivc to prosper- ityl" ’l‘ * :1: In one, of the most impressive cerev monies of this year at his winter home in Florida, John D. Rockefeller, multi-millionaire oil magnate, broke a precedent of ninety—four yours stand- ing by giving away a quarter instead of a dime. As impressive as an Eucharistic Congress or the electrocution of a no- torious criminal was this epoch-mak- ing event. Surrounded by newspaper— men galore with flashlights blinding: the assemblage with their incessant bursts of glare and powder, the aged petroleum magnate, clad, in accord- ance with the dignity required of his age and the impressiveness of the occasion,in conventional plaid shorts, walked up to a specially constructed platform on which were seated a score or so of nationally and inter- nationally notable celebrities. The gigantic multitude, exceeding, in a conservative figure, ten million crowded the dais and gazed upon the assembled notables. An army of ini- crophones hedged the speaker’s pedes- tal, which was carved from wood ob- tained from a giant Sequoia and decorated with gold leaf. As Mr. Rockefeller approached the platform supported by his own cum victions, a hush fell over the multi- tude. The aged millionaire climbed the platform with calm dignity, stop- ping only to dodge a rotten grapes fruit thrown by the Secretary of State. On the platform, trembling with the realization of his position, stood the recipient-elect of the two bits, Postmaster-General James A. Barley, who is to use the money to purchase stamps for the first air mail stamp to Elcwaytor County, Ireland. Mr. Rockefeller, his hand upon a one—year-old Bible, is family heirloom, spoke these amazing»; words into the microphones, “Take the two-bits!” Benzamine Freud Finds Enzyme ‘sw9 Prof. B. B. Freud formally an- nounced his new contribution to science at the Thursday Bank Nitc at the Rialto Thcatl'c (next week’s prize is $2.00), an enzyme which will enable the human saliva to render wood digestible. This enzyme, when introduced into the human blood stream, will form a crystalline, allotropic, amphoteric stereo-isomeric tissue which will make it possible to eat wood. Once innoculated with this enzyme, which the professor rc- fcrs to as “squibsy wibsy,” the human body will be immune for thirty-one years. Take Your Pick If this enzyme is put into univer- sal use, the restaurants will probably have to invent new dishes entirely. Broiled teakwood, stewed sandal- wdod and fried walnut will probably be the “De-Luxe” dishes. For des— sert, there will be a fruit salad of peach-wood, cherry wood. and maple wood. For a salad dressing, white» ash will probably be the “tops." There will be special dishes also. The American Negro will probably go for a dish of “pitch pine," or bar— becued “black—cherry." The Indian will (to for a mess of burned “Red wood"; in the winter weather the Eskimo will cook up a pot of “Doug- las—fir,” or for a light meal, “Balsa- wood.” To grow hair. a bald-headed man will flavor his drinks with “bald- cypress” powder; broad will bc spread with “butternut”; fish food will be fried “beech"; a farmer‘s salad will include “cucumber mag— nolia"; school teachers will gnaw on “crab—apple”; and suicides will eat quillcd “cactus” chops. Tough on Blackheads This is all very nice for the poor man too. If he runs low on money he can eat all his furniture; if that doesn’t help, he can start tearing down his frame bungalow. After picking oue's teeth. the tooth—pick, which will be considered a delicacy, can be also eaten. The same can be said for matches. If this discovery is seriously taken, the city will have to install steel street poles. The Armour In— stitute will probably have to move as a few chemicals are already lay- ing: their claims to parts of Chopin J Hall. Physicists Introduce a Thirty—Six Hour Day; Time forMore Home Work By Garcia M. Laitnau Beginning April 18, 1937, there will be thirty-six full hours every day, three hundred and sixty-five days in the year. Such was the an- nouncement made yesterday by the Physics Department of Armour, who have for the first time revealed their secret plans for this revolutionary advance of civilization. By slowing down the speed of the earth’s revolu- tions, the small group of savants whose names will echo down the cor» ridor of time, hopes to achieve its end. Clocks Must Be Revised For the past thirty years Civiliza— tion has been shrieking, “Faster! Faster!” demanding a killing pace in every line of endeavor. Its prayer is now answered, and speed without ef— fort is the order of the day. Among the many industries which will be subject to the greatest boom since the first explosion of nitrogly- ccrinc, are the watch and clock in- dustry, which will have a virgin mark; et when the new daytime saving will make all watches, clocks, timers and chronometers of the old short day, ob- solete. Night clubs will be in opera- tion for twenty hours a day, and the song “Lord you made the night too long,” will come into new popularity. Night hawks, night owls, nightshirts, night lights, night watches, Arabian nights, good nights, and nightmares will all receive a fifty per cent in— crease with time off for good be— havior. Eureka! For tWo years Professor Calvert and his colleagues have labored sa- cretly, teaching classes in the day— time, and Working in an underground laboratory during the night. Long, weary, heart-breaking hours of toil have been their lot while they pur- sued their clandestine operations, ac- cepting, rejecting, trying, failing, hoping, fbaring, until they finally emerged with their present solution ! to the problem. Their method of ob~ taining the new super day was dis- covered quite by accident, when Ero- fcssor Spraguc parked his gum on a rotating sphere, and the speed was immediately dccrcased. “Eureka!” shouted the Professor, and “Eureka” shouted Professor Thompson and “Eureka" shouted all the echoes from the walls of their underground lab‘ Wrigley Pays Us “If a wad of gum slows down a rotating sphere why shouldn’t an im- mense wad of gum slow down the earth?” The physicists had solved their problem only to be confronted by a still greater one. “How can we accumulate enough gum in one spot?" This was their next problem. “If every person in the United States that plastered chewing gum under theatre seats, behind sofas, underneath table tops, etc., would throw his gun in one spot, we could achieve our goal,” said Professor Calvert. “Now," he continued, “if we offered a prize, say Clark Gable to the winning lady, and Mae West to the winning man, we could get every one to follow our plan. The movie stars must be sacrificed for the sake of humanity.” New Problem Arises Their first job completed, the sci- entists presented their idea to the League of Nations who unanimously adopted it, and set April 15th for the commencement. By the eighteenth, the momentum of the earth will have decreased to .00385 X 47.5K.W. + 4 revolutions per year, the calculated speed for the thirty-six hour day. The gum mountain will be destroyed, and scattered throughout the United States by a series of powerful explo— sions. Just how the resulting mess will be cleaned is a further problem for the scientific world to solve. Committee Finds Library Handling Pemicious Books Notwithstanding a vigorous protest. by the student body, the Faculty Committee yesterday voted to discon— tinue the usage of the Armour Tech Library. This action was based on the charge made by certain public~ spilitcd parents that the books were corrupting- thc morals of the younger generation. Just for the Asking Definite proof was brought forth that volumes upon such subjects as chemistry, electripity, physics, and English could be easily secured for the asking. On many of the shelfs and secret chambers private investigators dis— covered severnl uncensored and un» expurgated copies of Webster’s Dic- tionary and Watson’s Text-Book of Physics. It was mainly this damn- ing evidence which brought about the drastic action. Professors Hear Case Student leaders used every possible means to avert the disaster, but they were frustrated at every point by the action of the committee. The profes- sors refused to hear any expert has timony and relied only upon the evi- dence gathered by the Pinkerton dc- tcctives which they had hired. No statements were forthcoming, from any of the leaders of either faction, but it was generally conccd» EProf. bluntly Under ! 1 Long Navy ContractI Prof. Huntly was called to the! U. S. Navy Research Laboratory at Beilview last Friday to perform sev- eral stress determinations of extreme complexity and heterogeneity. By means of! photo-clsl;ic:ity, polarized light, and a multiplication table up to 25, he found out that it is possible to sec right through the celluloid airplane models. His job completed, the Navy paid him his salary and sent him home. Prof. Huntley decided to spend the $3.25 and proceeded to do some sight—seeing in our nation’s capital. He visited the beautiful new build- ing of the Supreme Court where he slept through a very important pat- ent case. On Easter Sunday he visited the White House accompanied by an Armour undergraduate of his ac- quaintance. It seems that, in order to obtain entrance, one must accom- pany a child through the gate. He spent Tuesday in the Supreme Court until train time. ed in private circles that the ac— tion was justified. Modern youth has strayed too far along the path of evil; reform is absolutely neces- sm’y. ‘ Undoubtedly only rcntul libraries will he used durim,r the present cri- sis. Although they do not oi'l’er the ‘l'acilities of a school library, it is at least certain that their books are of the highest moral caliber. Fraternities Throw Brawl Pretty Soon The second annual Inter-Fraternity Formal Dinner-brawl is to be thrown at the Elmhurst 4-H club, it was boasted by O. E. TOMEI, Gi'at’tman ol' the dance committee. Noise will be perpetrated by Lester Paul’s Dis— cord Daddies, a band whose gurgling gushes are familiury to many by rea» son of their broadg‘as over radio sta- tion PHFT,—»power .4 watts. The band's style of putting over the music may be compared to that of the Max- well St. Trio, a style that is unsur- passed for its terplschoi'ean titillat- inc: trash. Bids are forced on fraternity mom~ bars at live dollars a couple. Grub will be guzzled at midnight during which the diners will be bored by a floor show presented by the versatile and talented members of the band, In other words, no floor show. The Elmhurst 4—H club was the scene of the last Junior Brawl, and those who were sober will recall with disgust the terrible dancing afford- ed by the spacious brawlroom over- looking: the beautifully landscaped alley. Slirpstichsw (Continued from page 1) arose to speak. ”\Ve must take defl- nite action upon the situation. I . forgot just what the situation is, but we must take action. It’s the proper thing. Our ancestors took action be— fore us. Their ancestors before them took action. Every one is taking ac- tion!" “Down with action l” "Down with inactionll” “Down with everything!!!” “Let‘s call a spade trumps!" he continued, “We must not mince pie! Justice must be swift!" For hours the battle raged, until weak, weary and worn, the Board finally reached the following de- cision: 1. Slide rules are contraband. 2. Freshmen and sophomores shall be expected to use the standard sys~ tem of counting- on their fingers. Advanced students and professors can also count on their toes. The school will be completely airmandi- tinned by next fall. 3. Magnifying lenses are unethical and should not be used on slide rules. 4. Slide rules are contraband. VlCTflRY RESTAURANT WE DELIVER ORDERS PROMPTLY 3035 Wontworth Ave. We be]: to non un 12 n PHONE: VICTORY 1838 'V A Trio] and Be Conyinoed very suitable outing plncc, where everything we serve in pre- 0 c pared to the hiuhom. unulit in_ food and coolilliy: material. The boot health inam‘nncc is: “PURE FOOD, W on c Here you will 1w combination of GQOD cl 4.‘ a oys find u FOOD. SERVICE, le‘EOlANLlNESS AND FINE FRIENDSHIP THAT WILL BE CER- TAIN ’1‘0 APPEAL YOU SPECIAL NOON DAY LUNCHEB Our Prim-n Arc Very Popular, Profit Sharing! Priccn An independent survey was made recantly among professional men and women—lawyers, doctors, lecturers, scientists, etc. Of those who said they smoke cigarettes, more than 87% stated . ll ‘, ”4% //f'/‘ a ’f/x/ I they personally prefer a light smoke. Mr. Merivale verifies the wisdom of this pref» crence, and: so do other leading artists of the radio, stage, screen and opera. Their voices are their fortunes. That's Why so many of them smoke Luckies.Y0u, too, can have the throat pro- tection of Luckics—a light smoke, tree of certain harsh irritants removed by the exclusive process "it’s Toasted”. Rockies are gentle on the throat. m a light surplus” "in one of the first important parts I did in America, the play called for a long and very trying indioidual perform‘ ance. In cocry scene for five full acts l was on stage talking almost continu» ously. The strain made itimpcratiruc that l safeguard my throat and voice. After trying different brands of cigarettes, I came across Luckies. They stood the test and for many years now I’ve cnioycd them. I like the taste of Luclcics and my throat is grateful for a light smoke.” THE FINEST TOBAccos—L' "THE CREAM OF THE CROP” lllmllour AGAENST IRRITATION—AGAINST COUGH Copyright 193:, my Amoritnn Tobin“) Comm: