Vol. XIX. No.7. Armour harbour Kills blew ilypis‘t With fiery lliop Kelly Dyes Hair Red; Steno Dies of Fright REWARD bursts roe EEWRMATWN 1111 WHEREABWTS Setterberg Reduced ToJabbering Wreck P o l i c 8 Commissioner Orders Red-Head Shot on Sight; “Shoot Him, p9 Boys. KlLLER HHDES lN DRAWE He is being hunted. Home lief Eemyn and €11ysi'el Pops The Armoui Tech Radio Club membeis may well go about the cam- pus with proud looks on their faces because of the completion of a dif- ficult, but successful project com- pleted yesterday. The club, after three years of effort, perseverance, and intestinal fortitude, contacted Berwyn’s powerful 5x10 KC. sta- tion, WZAZU. Equipped with the finest equipment available, the club broke all radio records ever set. Armour operates its powerful one- tube - crystal ~~1nagneto - battery 5 e t from the sub-cellar beneath the Rifle Range. Its operator, G. Howie Belches, reported direct contact -(not by any R.C.A. hookups either) with Berwyn from under his headphones at exactly 5:45 Eastern Time, 4:45 C.S.T.“‘ To check up on Bel- ches, radio officials from R.C.A. headquarters, Rockerfeller Center, N. Y., immediately phoned WZAZU and in five seconds confirmed the report of the Armour operator. The great strain on the crystal burned out the tube, however. and the club will disband for the present year till enough funds can be accumulated to replace it. In the meantime, the set will be sent to Washington where it will repose in the Stone Age Exhibit Chambers of the Smithsonian Insti~ tute. “—01' 4:43 Yahuptsville Time World Net Flat like Quarter, Round Lilac Two-«Bits, deserts G. A”. Griffin (This is the first of a series of true life stories of the men who help make Armour what it is. It is fit- ting to begin this series with “Grill" since every man at Armour knows him.) G. C. Griffin was born in Poop- deck County, So. Va., the son of a street-car conductor. (It is this her— itage which makes him so adept at punching breakage cards). As a small boy he always played near the water— front. One day while he was shoot- ing craps with the other little ras- cals, he noticed that as the ships sail- ed farther from the harbor they be- gan to look smaller and smaller. So he ran home to his father and said to him, “Father, father, I have found out that this world isn't flat like a quarter, it’s round like two bits. Give me twenty bucks and let me so out and discover America.” When the old man heard this he said, “What, Give you the money I'm saving up for a ukelele, and besides Columbus discovered America eight years ago. Get out of my house and stay out, you dumb dope.” So little Griff in a The government is definitely in the red. The huge expenditures and low taxes have brought the United States to mere impecuniosity. However, from the West there comes a figure, who in this expert’s shrewd brain on world politics, will undoubtedly raise the country to its former position. Sen. Noah Count has brought forth his new bill, the Noah Count Taxation Security or the N. C. T. S. As you will all remember, Sen. Count was the father of the Anti—Suspender Act, an act which was to have brought a great amount in taxes. This act made the manufacturing of suspend- ers a Federal dense. It also levied a 65 percent 15 when practically all practisedl smokers, the government 1eceived $70,000, 000 in revenue on to— bacco Now then, if the public schools were made to encourage all the kid~ dies to take up smoking, imagine the (Continued on page 3) ' hon-taming days. Women were ' flood of tears left the home of his birth. But good fortune was wait“ ing for him. The Jingling and Bor~ room Circus was in town and was badly in need of a lionvtamcr. So little Griff applied and was given the job, with a salary of l’iteen dollars per Wick pcr—haps. But Griff liked the circus life. He loved the saw dust, the hot dogs, the lemonade, the pop-corn, the clowns, the acrobats- and the beardad lady. But the cards of fate were stacked against him“ and marked besides. One day he was training the circus’s solitary lion, a particularly surly brute because he hadn’t chewed off anyonc‘s leg for weeks. Spying Griff, the lion, with one playful swipe of his paw, tore off the whole seat of Griff’s pants. Griff crossed with a left and left across the circus grounds at a for- ty-mile pace. Poor Griff was never the same. He suffered conclusion of the brain, hardening of the artil- lcries, and also congregation of the lungs. Left by Circus—Flat The circus left town without him, and wherever he went they pointed a finger of scorn. But Griff didn’t care. He said, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but give me an old fashioned girl who can cook." But this philosophy didn’t work. From bad he went to worse, from worse he went to Cicero. He stayed there for six months. . .the jailer had the keys. But Griff was well liked and soon got a job at the ponce station as a cashier . . . be counted the cop- pers and swept out their quarters. Then romance entered his life. Griff fell in love with a sweet, simple, home girl, and they were soon mar- ried. They livery very happily for a long time. .two or three weeks. But Griff was restless, he missed the circus. His young bride immediate- ly got a divorce from him on the grounds of alienation of her afflic- tions, arson, murder, driving with- out a. license, and talking back to an officer. Griff got the job in the Chem Lab. But once every year, when the. circus is in to'vvn, “ turous youth Armour lnstitute of Technology, Chicago. Illinois Two Times Two Are if our ; Dr. Rufus J .Oldenburgcr of the Math Department announced the dis- covcry of a complex mathematical revelation by the Math Department of Armour. With the assistance of his colleagues, he has stumbled upon the startling disclosure that not only does two times two equal four, but that two plus two equals four. To render the proof of this exposluln- tion impregnable to any attack from skeptical mathematicians, Dr. Olden- bul'g'er spent ten years in Brussels going through the most learned mathematical archives known to sci- ence. From these books, Dr. Olden- burger, with the aid of two thousand deaf and dumb assistants, secretly sworn in and under solemn oath, has compiled data that enabled him and his colleagues to assemble these mar- velously complicated, heretofore un- imagined, equations. By the use of the most intricate, complex, and ir— rational forms of algebra, geometry, calculus, statistics, differential equa- tions to the twenty—seventh degree, and addition and subtraction, a the- ory as impregnahle as the rock of Gibraltar itself has been presented to the Board of Aldermen for the Betterment of Science. From California came word that Professor Einstein had never even fathomcd the most basic principles of this new mathematical marvel. The Math Department of Armour has sent the entire proof to Geneva where it is expected that the Stanley Cup will be offered as an emblematic award for Armour’s contribution to mathematics. Look and Life 111211;» mines have already signed up the department for monthly contribu- ] tions. 1 ‘News’ Reader Happy; Thing Seems Injured Police late last night found the horribly mutilated remains of Zazu, l‘amcrl columnist, beauty specialist, and special correspondent. Officers Burpin and MacZilch. ol' Squad Car No. 9, discovered the gruesome find in a gutter at State and Wentworth. The head had been nearly severed from the body, three knives were jabbed in the chest of the unfortunate man, 57 bullets had been fired into his head from close range, the rope with which he had been strangled still dangled from his throat, one arm and leg were miss- ing, and the autopsy of the coroner’s chemist disclosed six pounds of cyan- ide in the stomach of the dead col- umnist. The victim had been chok~ ed by ramming a pair of galoshes down his throat. Police suspect foul play. Acting on a secret tip—off, police broke into the palatial apartment of Ecjay at 22th and Wentworth, where they found the fellow-column» ist, and alleged enemy of the slain man fiendishly gloating over seven- teen newspapers in six languages bearing the gruesome headlines of the murder. He is being- held on a $2.50 bond. A.i.Ch.E. Meeting Dull, Worthless A meeting of the A.I.Ch.E. held last Friday, April 2 in D Mission turned out to be the most uninter- esting of the year. This was the first meeting prepared by the Junior Com» mittee, who apparently need a little more experience, They presented as their speaker Mr. C. E. Twerp, chief schmier of the Synthetic Horse Rad- ish 00., who spoke on.the “Design and Calibration‘of Beer Steins." Mr. Twerp, who has'had practical- ly no experience at all in. this field presented an. illspropared harangue to an uninterestedand rude audi- ence. Mr. Twerp was taken into cus- tody by a special agent of the B11- rsa-u of? Standards whose require- ments he emphatically denounced. His contempt for the standards set 'as to the radius of the fillet curve in the glass handle“ Was the p1incipal reason for his being seized. Honorary Flank Men Jam Chicago Stadium Armour" s foremost hono1 society,l Ilonm E, met next Tuesday to dis-; cuss the plans fm the coming yea1. l One oi the most important issuLs de-l cided upon was the requirements set, for admission into the society. In the past few years the faculty ad— visory committee of Honor E al- lowed a few undescrving' students to enter. In one of the cases a man who had accumulated the disgracing record of receiving four D’s and only“ two E’s was pledged. However, the real pressure came when one of the members who had received two C’s five years ago that were unknown to the committee, committed suicide for fear of the situation being disgrace— i’ully exposed, and his membership in this select society being taken away. Charts Cost Less Than $45.68 Prof. Walter Hendricks, who can neither read nor write, head of the committee, decided upon the new requirements. Any man receivin more than one A is black-ballad for all time. However, a man can make up one A by receiving fifteen E's in the same number of three or four hour courses. A complete chart of requirements can be obtained by sending $45.67 to cover mailing cost to the Bureau of Standards, Wash ington. D. C. Initiation Strenuous The club also voted for a newi meeting,- place as their present quar- ters at the Chicago Stadium are too small to accommodate all the mem~ hers. I. Hiram Hall, is in charge of finding a new meeting place. It was suggested that Armour move to New York so that Madison Square Gar- den con be obtained. The new men initiated were put through a strenu- ous routine. They were forced to do all their homework for one week cor- rectly, and also wc1e not allowed to copy A Jew “lotten e 1,1;21" were thus eliminated. They weic chosen from the ranks of those pledges who ac- tually followed out their orders. This initiation was really a test to throw out any new men that really have to work hard to get all E’s. Chess-Nuts to Meet Atop Sherman Hotel The Axmour 'lcch Chess Club will meet the Spanish- Italian Chess Team atop the Sherman 'Hotcl today in what promises: to turn into another grueling match. The two teams met last week but the match was ended by an unforscen development. The janitor swept the players out of the room while doing his daily chores. However, to avoid any similar catas- trophe, the managers of both squads have signed a ninety-nine your lease with the Hotel Sherman so that there will be enough time to complete the matches. The main matches be- tween the heavyweight teams will fol- low l'he preliminaries between the lightweight teams. Uniforms for Rooks The Armour squad will be ham- pered by a long list of casualties. prominent of those on the sick list are Norton Gerber, who sprained a hangnail while furrowing his fore- head in practice, and E. J. Koehler who met foul play in the last match when his opponent nicked one of the chessmen, causing Koehler to forfeit his match because of a resulting sliver. Deaf and dumb cheerleaders have been obtained so that the play- ers will not be disturbed by the en- thusiastic display of their supporters. Both teams are now completely uni- formed; this will be the first match in which Armour will be represented by a fully uniformed team. The uni« form consists of a pack of cotton batting for each man’s ears, knuckle and nail pads, hellnets,_shin guards to offset deliberate and maliciously intended assault and battery, the standard regulation squeak-less sneakers, and a copy of “Gone with the Wind" to be read while the oppo- sition is figuring out the next move. The rocks will receive new uni— forms for the meet with the Jones A. C. as a spy learned that the Joneses had outfitied their chess pieces. Keep up with the Jonescs, boys! Tuesday, April 6, 1937... llleeorol Almost lirokon in llirst Running of burned Armour lleiays Bodnar Takes Eighth Placcm in Field of Eight; William Cholgren Sweeps Runway For Siehert l3”. Martin Gives Up ln Disgustl Cycle a Sore Flop; He Says “This year's Cycle is without a‘ doubt going to be the poorest ever published at Armour Institute of Technology," said 1’. M. Martin, ’37, in an interview with a News reporter yesterday morning: Cycle Losing Money “At first there was some hope, but now I don‘t know whether we will have one or not. Nothing has been accomplished so far towards the com— pletion of the book. Of course we have let a lot of contracts and in- curred a lot of expense, a 1-'ood deal more in lact than we will realize in subscriptions and ads, but no wmk has been done. Editors Lazy Morons “My main tumble in getting out the book has been in the incompet- ence of the cdittuial staff. The Jun~ ior Editors are absolutely the dumb- est, the laziest bunch of know-noth— ings I ever had any dealings with. They won’t even come to meetings, they can’t write decent English, they finish sentences with propositions, even. The Art work so far has been terrible, what little that has been done. It seems the Art Editor told a freshman to do the work, the fresh- man told his brother in grade school to do it,———ancl he did. That’s the t1'oublc...hc did! “Nobody will go down to the studios to have their pictures tak- en, bccauso of the terrible way in which they botched the job last year. I don’t blame them much. That is undoubtedly the worst photographic studio in the city, and if it wasn’t for the fact that they slipped the committee some persuading bills, we wouldn’t have becn stung: again this your." Editor-ln-Chief in Despair “Oh, well, I’m so disgusted now that I don’t care what happens to the sheet Two of the edito1s flunk— ell out already, and I think I'll go to South America before May. Let Allison or somebody figure out who will stand the loss, I’m not interest- ed. Our business staff hasn’t sold any ads yet; and with the lazy Busi- ness Manager with which we are burdened, I don’t look for any to be sold." FIRE. Blowout Earls As Building ls Razed Prof. J. B. Finnegan, during a re- cent lecture on The Prevention of Fires and The Elimination of Fire Hazards, destroyed the Merchandise Mart completely by accidentally set— ting fire to it. The professor was demonstrating the correct method of The first Annual Armour Delays were run off at Potter’s Field before a huge multitude of ten Braille stu- dents of the American Barber's Col- logo. A choice field of performers from the leading American univer- sities and colleges participatcd. Records were broken in each event as this was the first meet of its kind. The standings in the team competi- tion are as follows: Tony’s Tavern ............. 150 American Can ............. 25% Shirley Temple A. C. ....... 13% Barber’s College ....... 15 i Paper ‘l'Iangcr‘s Union 12 Ada Leonard’s Boosters . . . 11 Home for the Aged ......... 9%. House of Correction ........ . ’1' State Pen ........ . 41/1, Armour Tech . 0 0001 (lil'ly other tca allcd to score} The first event on the program, and feature on the card, was the 56- milc cross-country run. A section of the ‘l‘orrst preserves was laid off for this event. A group of fifty stars, Ralph Faust, Hank Bodnar, and Steve Finnegan entered this chin- you1'sclf—on-tl1c~l101'izon event. After a [grueling seventeen-hour struggle Ken Cunnyham of the Temple A.C. emerged the victor by two lengths over Ralph Wetcall’ of State Pen. The next fifty-six contestants strag- 1-,'lcd in within the next five hours. However, a searching party had to be sent out to look for Faust, Bod- nar, and Finnegan. After a thor- ough search through all the dives and burlesque shows in town, they were found in a Girl~Scout camp cat- ing' box lunches and toasting marsh- mallows. Lloyd Siebert, wiry pole vaulter from North Central, made the most notable performance of the evening when he broke through the Field- house roof as the band played “Let Yurself Go”. l'laller, of Wisconsin, Tiny Ten vaulL title holder, was nosed out when he failed to keep (Continued on page four) [Ban Slide Rules 1 dis Unnecessary; To Use Fingers Slide rules, ever a topic of heated discussion, were “legalized at the last meeting of the Armour Board of Trustees tomorrow, when they hold their bi-centennial meeting. Stu— dents found using' slide rules will he immediately slapped on the wrist, re~ proved, bowled out, admonished, 13nd expelled, as well as given a. three year jail term. “In contributing to the mental de- linquency of the student, the slide rule has no equal. They didn’t have slide rules when I was a boy, and what was good enough for me, is good enough for you,” said Stanley Livingstone, head of the Armour Lit- erary Sales Force, Chief Salesman of the Armour Literary Salesman Force, and the Armour Literary Sales Force. “Down with slide rules!” “The slipstick must gal!" handlingr nitro~glycerine to avoid ex‘ plosion. After that it was a case of, every man for himself. The dam-1 age caused was estimated at about; $45,000,000. The exact extent of. Finnegan's injuries remain unknown‘ since the exact extent of Prof. Fin-1 negan has not been dete1 mined. 5 At the same time one of his stu l dents went him one better by burn—l ing down Radio City. It was rumo1 ed that the professor was despondcnt and may have premeditated this hot» rible catastrophe, as too many men have been passing; his courses during the past few years. “Make the world safe for arith- n1etic!ll" Such cries permeated the atmo~ sphere while the slide rule was burn» ed in effigy and in fire. Shrinks grew into whispers, as the delegation sent by the Union Stock Yards to discuss the situation of mental salvation for the Armour student, grew more vim ant. Softer and softer grew the whispers. and the clamor quieted down to a deafening murmur. while the air became charged. cash not being available. Philip D. Armour (Continued on page tin-es)