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STEW Reporter Uncorlis

Facts By Novel
'E‘rutcgy

 

 

“What right has Daisy Schommer
buttin’ into our business?" was the
comment of Dodo Wilson, social
chairman of the sophomore class and
in charge of the soph dance to be run
on or before “Chicago Day" in the
World’s Fair.

STEVV Reporter Pulls Fact 01:»:

No comments ...could be obtained
from either Daisy or Dodo with re»
spect to details. However, after our
STEW reporter had disguised him-
self as a solution or mercuric nitrate
and hid himself in the lunchroorn
soup, he found out the following
facts while being slooped up out of
Daisy's bowl.

7% Years Wasted
Daisy Schommer has made his life
work the analysis of sweat on hat
bands. After seventy-six years 0
research, he suddenly became aware
that he had entirely overlooked
brown derbies. in his zeal to com

tinuc investigations, Daisy purloine’d ~

the derbics of Low Diamond’s orches—
tra, and so now there will be no hur—
dy-gurdy at the dance, becaus o the
orchestra simply can’ mute their ob-
iigations.

No Derby, No Playoo

The orchestra has refused to play 5

unless their derbies be returned and
Daisy claims that they’re in solution,
and what you can’t see you can’t
wear. Dodo Wilson is at present
scouring the State Street talent in an
attempt to scrape up something
novel.

“title Wives” Wells
lipids “its” ’il‘o thaw

“Pile Driver“ Wells and “Strang-
ler" Pa Phillips fought a ton round
bout in the recesses of Civil Alley for
the entertainment of their students
last night. The arena was crowded
to capacity. It was a {lo-decision
battle. Following is the fight round
by round:

 

Round One

Pa recites the Three Moment The-
orem while Wells yodels the accom-
paniment. Pa objects to Referee Nel
Steele that Wells won’t take his hands
out of his pockets. After the Ref.
takes a Dead Load of 60 lbs. of field
rivets out of Wells’ gloves, Pa de-
cides he wants a malted milk. He
leaves the ring and tells the Ref. that
he’ll be back before the tenth round.
Wells decides that he has to filibuster
in order to keep the two remaining
spectators (the Ref. and the statio-
spondcnt) awake.

Rounds 2 to 10 were omitted pend~
ing the return of Strangler Pa Phil-
lips to the scene.

Round ‘10

Pa staggers blindly into the ring
just as the bell sounds for the start
of the tenth and deciding round. The
spectators are on their toes. Wells
changes the needle on the phonon
graph and starts an upache dance
with Referee Steele. Pu takes a two
hour rest li‘. a neutral corner, and
after being thus refreshed, he recites
deflection formula for simple and
continuous beams under different
conditions of loading, This aggra-
vates Wells who starts on oration on
stress analysis. Time is called with
both combatants going strong.

No decision was rendered for the
above fray, it being the consensus of
opinion that the best man won.

by €h§e€noi7~§ioiice

(Editor’s note: No newspaper is
complete without at least one good
murder story featured on the front
page. The only thing that bothered
the editors was whom to murder. We
decided to let the staff vote on this
important question. So many candi-
dates for the honor were/put forward
that it was impossible to do away
with all these men and still have a
semblance of a faculty. Then we de-
cided to write a murder story without
having a murder. The mere fact
that there is no foundation or truth
for the story is unimportant: the
Tribune or the Herald-Examiner
wouldn’t let a little thing like that
stop them from printing it.)

 

 

 

BELL GREEN [3'
MiiDICCl'ED [FUR
TRACK GRAFT

 

 

After four hours of questioning
ght, W. B. Green, ’29, Truck

  

’Manuger'”‘lorohu.,down and confessed

 

freshman clas 5 to throw be inter-
class track meet to be held today, ac-
cording to the Deans’ oilice,

“I just wasn’t strong enough to

tend the temptation, I
sobbed Greene as he poured out his
story.

Greene Weakeno Slowly

“Back in January, they offered me
a stick of gum to see that they won,
but at that time I refused. Gradually

Iwas won over to accepting the huge
ofl’er, and when they offered me an
almond bar, and agreed to give Lon-
nie Stugg‘ a bag of peanuts, last week,
we accepted the bribe. Oh, how I
wish now I hadn’t done it."

Track Coach: Disappears

Greene is being guarded carefully
to protect him from the infuriated
members of the senior class who
claim Greene had promised to let
them win the meet. Coach A. A.
Stug‘g, Jr., could not be reached lust
night to verify or disclaim his part in
the dastardly plot. His secretary
stated that he had gone to Europe
for the evening. When later ques-
tioned, she reputed her previous
statement, saying, “He broke a leg
and they had to shoot him. No, you
can’t speak to him." As Coach Stagg
never performs any work, his absence
was noticed only when he was sought
following Greene’s confession.

Both Greene and Stagg face sen-
tences of from one to five years in
the state penitentiary if convicted.
Greene, because of his confession,
will probably get off with the mini-
mum sentence.

Wiesainrrove Follies

Coupled with the above informs.-
tion came the discovery that the med-
als to be given for Winners in the rev
(Continued on page 2, column 2)

PERlL LOOMS FOR FREUD’S
lLLiClT BOOZE RACKET
“’l‘ufi'y" Freud’s bootlegging‘ busi—
ness was seriously threatened recent
ly when “Aurora Bill" Berry set up
a regular saloon in the basement of
the Phi Kap House the other day.
However, Berry had diiiiculty in get~
ting the lease on enough pipe lines
to bring him an adequate supply, and
the Sammy’s, in their unbounded
thirst, crashed the place and stole
every drop he had, incideutly destroy
ing the pipe lines to boot.
The stool: ol‘ the F-eud syndicate
is now buck at par, and is slowly

 

cii mbing.

 

it C Huntlyflumous hiring Mend, hound lined
tin fusions Woo Morning; l1 owl Why Suspected

 

 

Following long Scorch

Suspect Notorious Era-Convicts on Armour Tech Faculty
Following Outbreak oi Gang War; Many Held

THE STORY
BULLETIN: 7:00 A.M., Feb. 4, 1929.
The mutilated body of P. C. Hunt—
ly, famous street cleaner and gang
leader, was found scattered across
the front steps of the new Home Eco«
homics building this morning at 6:30

A. M. by George Allison and Howard ,

Raymond, Janitors’ assistants. They
immediately called the police but
were unable to get the right number
for several hours. While they were
spending a, pleasant morning in the
phone booth, passcrsby noticed the
body and notified the police. The po-
lice came and found the body. There
it lay, a fingernail dismembered, lay-
ing" across the third step.
search was made for the criminals,
but they had already escaped to the
fastness of the T. X. house.

Kelly Thinks!

Chief of Police Ernest Kelly, in a
copyrighted interview, says, “From
the evidence on hand, we have reason
to believe that Huntly happened to
foul play.

“An immediate search will be mode
for the criminals. and they will be
promptly brought to justice, provid—
ing- they don’t have a cousin-inulaw
on the Sanitary Board payroll."

Has Perfect Record

No motive for the murder has been
put forth, as Mr. Huntly was imown
to have led a pure and blameless life;
being head of the Pakone beer gang,
and chief supporter of the most re
cent alki war. Huntly was in Sing
Sing 101446; Joliet, 1920—24; At-
lanta, 1926-27. Since his recent
stretch at Atlanta Huntly has made a.
fortune selling copies of Faubel’s
“Economics." The following men are
suspected of being; involved in the
case: C. I. Palmer, J. C. Penn, A. E.
Phillips, G. F. Gobliardt, G. L. Scher-
ger, G. M. Wilcox, l—l. McCormack, E.
H. Freeman,"C. E. Paul, J. B. Flana—
gan, E. H. Reed, C. B. Cooper, W. B.
Amsbary, J. E. Snow, M. B. Wells.
R. V. Perry, B. 13. Proud.

A drag not has been thrown out
around the dangerous Michigan Ave»
one section, where the fraternity
hangouts for criminals are located.

 

§tsoie Quits Testing
Tom; Seeks Easy Circuit”

Professor R. L. Stevens, Class by
himself, has handed in his resignation
as the official teuwtester oi" the Al‘-
mour Technitute of lnstology this
A, M. because of an argument with
“Duke" Krathwohl over the use of
colored chalk while illustrating math
problems to color-blind underclnss—
men. Stevie has signified his inten—
tion of becoming Mayor of Chicago,
or Governor of Cicero, or any job
where he can betray the public trust.

Opposes .l, Piuripont Morgan

It is the opinion of the Scaudnna~
vian Fishermen oil' the coast of Nor~
way that Stevie entertnins the en»
inity of J. P. Morgan, because it will
be remembered that belch in 1829
Stevie nosed out J. P. for control of
the Castor Oil Company of lndiann.
This fact enhances Stevie’s chance of
getting a good graft job; but as Ste-
vie remoiked to om reporter tomoi~
row, “A? tor all, wnnt‘: the use of my
hein’ the Sec. of the Truss. when I’m
already the richest mon in the wurlld,
and hence i am practically spending
my own shuckols?”

 

Immediate

 

»——‘By Stall Snooper.
Left in right: Sully, Martha, and
Evangeline.

first oi New Encode.
fltrrive, 5WD To Come

Al last the classrooms at A. I. T.
will be brightened up and made at-
tractive enough so that the tired stu-
dents will be cheered to the point
Where they will no longer have any
incentive to sleep during the lectures,
And Mr, Allison has found a way in
which he can accomplish this without
going to a great expense for cleaning
and painting; on the other hand, he
will actually make a profit for the
school by his method.

A Prufitnlble Scheme

The scheme he proposed, and which
is now being carried out, is to intro-
duce into the classrooms a flock of
coeds, let them pay full tuition, and
they will automatically stimulate the
studes to much greater efforts and
accomplishments than cvci‘ before ni-
mined,

 

Pictures Oibtnineel

Our staff photographer, by dint of
much crafty persuasion. not only ob-
tained full particulars for the STEW
but actually succeeded in obtaining
the pictures of three of the newcom-
ers. They appear on this puma

A total of five hundred ovods will
be enrolled, according to the official
figures. No difficulty will be encoun-
tered because of :1 lack of cl room
space, since it is said, the inn ones
(none are over 200 lbs. or 40 yrs.)
are expected to find themselves at
home on the laps of the lonesome cw
gineeis

 

 

ill/flies Stiles-25c Starts
Exclusive flay—Clare")

A tea (lat/152ml will be held ‘in the
Library every afternoon henceforth,
from three to five, Miss N. Steele
will conduct an exclusive day-club,
with elite dancing. no liquor except
in ild can. too served sharply
at 2i :10” i

      
 

Mus-i: (littered

Enter inmon‘t will be strictly of
the big. e. tgpe, to be offered by the
do\vn~stule Barber Collegiate Orches—
trand, "Fos and Pains." Absolute
ly no vile y will be tolerated. but
only the bolt class of dance music.
such as 'C" ihoiins,‘ and “rahc‘s My

Bnby Non." will be permitted.

Donn Fencil Bucks Edna

  
 

 
 
 

Donn Pencil was the loading: spirit
moti ting the idea. “The daily tif-

 
 
  
 

fill}: u 1 once eand iol
dimoui

all solve the
encountered
at the Main
as quoted as snyimg.
uteri, sitar much
ii (isily reading

otofoio
ticking

 

p 611‘s 13::

 
 
 

 

By 3 Connie Seofiospoudent

The Chicago Curb experienced the
most frenzied day of its history yes—
terday when the stock issue of the
newly organized Armour Tech Home—
work Syndicate sold out at ,a record
high of 1,047 on par twenty—five se-
curities.

All the bears and the bulls turned
into lambs us the day came to a close,
and what was first thought to be an
attempt on the pam of the faculty to
corner the stock and thus frustrate
the motive back of the founding of
the new firm proved to be all hokum,
since the bewildered profs tried to
foretell the market trend by the ap—
plication of their pet formulae and

WEEKS LOSE All)?
20,61Mfi NiEBLE
THEM? PEANUTfl

Twenty thousand sp e c ta t o r s
cheered, forty thousand eyes looked,
six hundred forty thousand teeth (in—
cluding the seventy-five thousand
false ones) chewed peanuts while
the Armour Neck quintet defeated
the combined aggregations of Notre
Dame, Southern California, Army,
Navy, Illinois, Michigan, Carnegie
Tech, Georgia Tech, Boston Tech,
and the Y. M. C. A. in a Basketbowl
game at the school gym on Lincoln’s
Birthday. The small seating capacity
was a disappointment to those who
did not get in. This was due to the
refusal of Three Percent Allison to
buy Soldier's Field, where about
twice as many could be accommo»
dated.

Score Tied, Favor Armour

The game. started with score tied
in favor of Armour, 0 to 0, Aloft
on a couple of 2x4's that served as
40 dollar seats could be seen three of
our most. noted mathematics Profs.
who were busily engaged in trying to
expand the numbers on the score
board. Opposite the math Profs. was
perched a gathering of English Profs.
who perused unceasingly with their
dictionur s trying to locate some of
the words that rose to their ears.

Knot Holes at Premium

Outside the mnssive edifice of the
Main Building, there was s throng of
several thousund squeezing ugalnst
the brick walls in Search of knot
holes. Regimen is of police were at-
tempting“ to u phold the is.“ of (osines
but were nowhere to be seen.

Referee flagged

The referee could not decide so he
was dragged over to the side lines to
keep from tripping the contestants.
When he came to he was put back to
sleep by the swarm of test books that
came from all directions. Today. he

‘ Hing second-hand boot-2 ‘ —
petition with Stanley “Don,
{Continued on posts -i. column 3)

 

 

 

Godunhs Superheuted
Steam; Finals iii: Exist:

 

Stanton Edward '11 instos, the boy
who put the inemstic in l'
is rocuprrntiug -
ics suil’ercd oh 0 godun ting -
of sup: heated steam.
Winnie has been suii‘rring
recent he: 2:18. while
more he went c

    

 

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pliers. \\ iiilo or
order oi lllt‘

  
 

    

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be no lot~up in ti .o l‘io
houmoz.

  
  
    
 

will WWditB golf
1% till€€d hillt€€l€fii€h iii §€€i€7is
till dlbbbhlflfiild £0 idhhi‘ifi

it? Waylon: Mrnd’mnm’s New Firm ills}? Revolution—
also fltudy Condatiuns At Armour W est: Whig
Reduce Snicrées, is fiction

41-6~STORY COLLAPSleE SKYSCRAFER PLAENEB

 

found that they wouldn” L we?
a hoot.
Hindman Heads More

The Homework Syndicate is
brain—child of the w.k Boyden iv.
Hindman, the senior electrical
first won fame and notoriety
walking- oi‘l' with the only new pie
of apparatus that Mr. fillison
purchased in forty»i'0u1' years, 2 30,
000 kvss synchronous con ester.

The idealistic motive
prompted the founding of thi
syndicate is simply to lighten me
task of the 0V91‘~W0l‘l{€’£l Armour Tech
student and thus reduce the suicide
rate at the school.

Rates Quoted

Here is the service which the c
puny plans to give and the rate
they will charge for the same.
guarantee to put their costume
through any course at the i fit; it
with only (. slight amount of cleric..l
work on the port of that customer.
This will be accomplished by allot
the customer full use of u compo c
file of the reports, homework “eroti—
lenis, quizzes, 01 what have you, that
may be reunited in. that particular
course, and in additions letter o:
introduction to the prof in drags of
the course, which letter will serve to
give the student a big suck, the s -
of the such obtained depending on
the price paid for the letter.

"1703‘ Eh

 
 

 

so
1’1“]
cc

hié

 

 

   

 

  

 

Based on Earning Power

A tentative schedule of rates
been drawn up, which in all
hood will be the one finally iniopti
The chargesw any with the grade that
the student desires m the course. :2
with the number of semester—ho
(Continued on page :3.

 

 
  
 
   

BIS

colunua ’32

 

Realise broods grown
€i€ hisssive sued-i iiild

The roman .llon
which the STE‘.‘
for the . twenty years i
to be re“ (i into (or ‘ ste ani
The Saber: no:

 

  

dolls:

been sd iro

    
  
   
     
 

 

 
 

Memorial Bowl

 
   

patch. .2:

ins: grounds
Ellli’ The ‘
for on mus

is to be mazes of

Wu, support ‘l‘
ilo‘ing will 5

 

    

iber o. .

an: ivory

    
 
 

Financing Com